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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22358596">Clouded Thoughts</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Steven Universe (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>&amp; sitting in sunsets, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, but not natural sunsets lol, cus who doesnt do that when its late af?, dunno what exactly they have in mind for it gbuijdkg i just wrote what came to my mind, for this tho its literally talking to yourself lol, im sure by the character tags yall can guess what i mean by this, it also has talking to one's self, lol, this story has butterflies, this was inspired by an idea a friend shared</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 00:27:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,742</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22358596</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Steven goes to Rose's room to reflect on his emotions. He wishes he can be like a kid again.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Clouded Thoughts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>SHOUTOUTS TO MY HOMIE CAPPY FOR THE INSPIRATION! IF YOURE READING THIS ILYSM!! &lt;&lt;3333<br/>anyway i realize this is my first su fanfic uhh sorry if this is kinda bad oufjkgbn i don't write too often so i might not be the best at wording or writing characters. i still hope it's a decent read? lol</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Steven stared at the blank roof with his own blank eyes. In his chest he could feel his emotions squirming around like worms threatening to crawl out of his mouth. He could feel himself subconsciously grind his teeth in frustration. He wished he could talk to someone... but he knew he couldn't. He couldn't burden anyone. He couldn't have what happened with Cactus Steven happen again. But he could feel himself growing desperate... he...</p>
<p>That's when the familiar chime of his mother's room rang throughout the house, the pink rose swirls of his mother's room expanding to reveal the open entrance to a cotton candy paradise. He sat up on his bed, tossing the covers off him so he could see his now glowing gem radiating in the natural darkness of the night. He quickly realized why the room opened &amp; he felt his heart throbbing in his chest. It was private, no one had to know... no one had to know...</p>
<p>So, he got off his bed &amp; hesitantly walked towards the door. He paused right before it, thinking everything over to himself as he stared inside at the false serenity. He never trusted it in here, yeah, but... maybe this time it could help. After all, he's used it to release feelings before &amp; that helped. No one knew then. Why would they have to know now? He took a deep breath before finally stepping into the room, hearing the chime go off again as soon as he set foot on the soft texture of the clouds. The door closed. Here goes nothing.</p>
<p>"H-Heeey, room! Haven't seen you in a while, huh? Yeah, yeah, I've just been... really busy lately, haha... ha..." he started nervously, hands feeling clammy as he flexed his hands anxiously. He was starting to have second thoughts about all of this, but at the same time... he felt he really wanted this. </p>
<p>"I know you only see me when I'm... y'know... &amp; I'm just... going through some things right now. But what else is new, right?" he felt his nerves start to dissipate as he continued talking, his thoughts of his mother's life &amp; his own life phasing to the front of his mind. He chuckled sadly at the thoughts, feeling his deep emotions start to swarm. His mind's eye could see the butterflies already, fluttering with their illuminated wings in such a carefree nature. They were just thoughts, after all, drifting through the clouds. The pink hues of the room were slowly turning into dark reds, as if it could sense Steven's emotions already.</p>
<p>"I keep thinking about the past, even though it's all over &amp; done with. Why can't I just let it be put behind me? Everyone else is moving on &amp; changing, but I'm still... stuck here in the past! I want to change so badly, but I... I can't!" he shouted, the white swarm swirling around his body, nearly sweeping his feet off the ground. Instead, he collapsed on his knees, moving his hands to grip at his head as he felt overwhelmed with his intense feelings. The dark clouds swirled from the sudden gusts that started to pick up, the same winds causing Steven's hair to blow around his face. How pitiful he must've looked, curled up, letting out quick breaths as even with his eyes closed, he could still see the toxic orange overshadowing the serene blues of his mind. </p>
<p>"I bet the gems miss when I was young &amp; carefree! Honestly, I miss that version of me, too! I didn't worry anyone, I wasn't useless, I knew what I wanted with my life... I was needed! I loved change! What... what happened to me?" he choked out pathetically, feeling his body curl up as the butterflies continued to swarm. "I... I wish that version of me were still here. Maybe then I wouldn't have to worry anyone." he muttered, placing his chin on his arms as he remained curled up in a ball. He closed his eyes as he felt himself relish in his emotions. The swarm was starting to calm as he finished his rant. He thought he might want to say more, but he found he didn't.</p>
<p>Suddenly, he felt a gentle touch on his shoulder. He looked up, at first in fear that it was one of the gems, before widening his eyes as he saw a young boy looking down at him. His black eyes held a subtle pink to them as he rested his chubby hand on him. His mouth was curved in an uncertain frown. His gaze was curious... naive... just like how Steven used to be.<br/>
It was then he realized what had happened. The room summoned whatever Steven wanted... what he wanted right now was the old him to be back. He couldn't help but giggle, a sound which sounded quite tired &amp; sad more than humorous. His younger self tilted his head, but his smile widened after seeing Steven seemingly happier.</p>
<p>"Are you OK?" the younger Steven asked, the tone of his voice shaking Steven to his very core. After all, he hadn't heard the sound of his young voice in a while. It was strange to hear it again, especially like this.</p>
<p>"Yeah... yeah. I just... needed to let out some steam, but I'm doing better!" Steven reassured, placing his own larger hand atop his younger self's one which was still on his shoulder. He saw his other self look unconvinced, shaking his head in a knowing manner.<br/>
"I may be younger than you, but I know myself well enough to know you're not OK. Come on, why don't we sit for a bit?" the childlike voice spoke in the tone of an emotionally wise man. He sat beside Steven, leaning his body against his arm. Steven felt awkward, looking down at himself, who looked back up patiently.</p>
<p>"Why did you make me, anyway?" Steven sighed upon hearing that question, shifting his position so that his legs were stretched out &amp; his arms were behind him, keeping him balanced. He stared up at the sky, a subtle red still tracing the pink. He didn't like how it looked. He closed his eyes, feeling the room shift around him. He opened his eyes again to see a sky painted in a sunset, orange clouds drifting slowly across the sky. The ground below the two was now grass, shaded in the dark hues of the setting sunlight. He peered down besides him, seeing the chubby, youthful face of who he used to be lighten up at the sights of the calming scenery.</p>
<p>"I only wished to be like you. I didn't actually mean to create you..." Steven muttered, looking down &amp; away from the classic Steven. He felt his tears resurface as his own feelings did.</p>
<p>"Why would you want to be anyone like me? You've matured a lot since you were like me, you know. I mean, you're like two times taller than me! You mastered your powers! You're great at battling! You're everything I want to be!" younger Steven exclaimed, looking starry eyed at him in admiration. How naive he used to be.</p>
<p>"Sure I mastered a lot of my powers, but now I'm having these weird pink outbursts that I have no idea how to manage! Besides, even if I were to master those powers too, I don't even want to be a fighter! I just want to help, but... I'm losing my touch. I used to be so much better at helping others. I'm becoming too caught up in my own feelings. I'm selfish now, you know?" Steven sighed sadly, laying on his back to stare up at the orange hued sky. He felt tears slide down the sides of his face thanks to gravity, his eyes blurry as he saw nothing but meshed warm hues. He felt the other shuffle to lay down next to him as well, body still pressed against his side like a magnet.</p>
<p>"You're not selfish! You just have a lot of emotions that are just now starting to overwhelm you. It's becoming harder to keep that mask you've worn for years on your face. That's alright... you're alright. Everyone goes through struggles, it's about time you go through that same experience, right? I know it'll be hard, but everything will be OK. It's always been OK in the past, right?" the younger Steven chirped in encouragement, gazing at his present self with a look of pure self-love. Self-love... it's something Steven had been struggling to feel as of late. But as he looked at his past self, seeing his eyes misted with his utter care for himself, he couldn't help but feel that he could start to love himself again. He just needed a little time... a little something else instead...</p>
<p>"Yeah... I think it'll take time, but I can get through this. We can get through this. Together." Steven spoke in a voice so low it could've been a whisper, glancing at his belly in thought. The memory of his split vision came into mind. One half clouded with exhaustion while the other was illuminating an inorganic pink. He thought about how he never felt truly alone since then. Even if he had no one, he had himself. He had the truth. He had his own love to surf him across the tidal waves that life threatened to crash onto him.</p>
<p>He then looked to his side, seeing a satisfied smile before the figure of his past shrouded away into clouds once again. He wasn't gone, only back with the rest of the cotton clouds to rest. He laid there, staring at the permanent orange sky, for just a bit longer before he heard a familiar chime. He glanced to the door which revealed his house. It was time to go, he had been there long enough. He gently sat up to a stand &amp; walked back through the door. He palmed at his eyes, still feeling some wetness on his cheeks &amp; in his still puffy eyes, before climbing back upstairs to his bed.</p>
<p>He reflected on the situation &amp; on how he felt now... he honestly felt better. Sure he didn't feel entirely OK, but he knew that with time &amp; patience, he would be. No matter what happens, he'll be OK in the end, won't he? He let those be his last series of thoughts before he buried himself back into the covers, slid his eyes shut, &amp; let himself finally rest.</p>
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